Let me think…

Thanks to a million outside factors lately plus the fact that I’m a teenager, I’ve been doing quite a bit of self-reflection, trying to find balance in the game of emotional ping-pong we play with ourselves.

This isn’t going to be some whiny teen blog about how my life sucks and then inversely how amazing I look in my prom dress. Or at least I hope not. I just think this’ll be a good place to empty my brain. Everything seems different after I write it or say it out loud. Is that cool with you? That’s cool with me.

I’m very comfortable with myself as of late. I like the way I’ve designed my life and I like the way I think. Sometimes I think too much, but it’s all part of how I function.  I often idealize things, but I’ve been editing that. It’s okay to idealize a bit, to beautify your world without even leaving your head. I just have trouble connecting it to reality sometimes.

The way I’ve designed my bedroom is an excellent metaphor for the way I’ve taught myself to grow: Everything about the room exudes me. I am not anyone else, nor will I ever be. I like everything I bring into my room. I am always adding new things to my walls and shelves, a collage of myself. Sometimes I have to take down a poster or a  card to make room for something new, or maybe I’ve just outgrown it. Most of the things on my wall are taken from somewhere else: posters, magazine clippings, cards and drawings from friends, etc. I cherish that which has been given to me by other people; it connects me to them and reminds me that there are people worth knowing on my dark days. Amid the foreign objects, there are a few of my own creations. I take pride in what I’ve made and keep it close, and I’m not afraid to display it.  There are more metaphors but this is beginning to sound too cheesy so maybe I’ll write them down later…

I am one of those who crave the affection and admiration of others. Of course, everyone is like that to a degree, but I sometimes take it over the top. I am a performer in every essence of the word and in every aspect of my life. I even perform for myself when no one else needs to care. That’s my integrity.  I crave respect and desirability, but at this point in my life I have realized that I’ll never alter myself to achieve it. I will always be utterly me, no matter how much I change. I am an actress because I love theatre, but acting offstage isn’t me.

 

That’s part one of my personal declaration, I suppose. I’m always thinking and always creating, so there is guaranteed to be more. I’m feeling pretty good right now.

Night, all!